Are you sure?

This is supposed to be about the thoughts that run through my head.   This is hard for me.  The thoughts in my head are so random sometimes.  My thoughts dart from thing to thing to thing to thing to thing.  Could it be ADD?  Actually I am almost certain it is.  I’m okay with that most days until I get completely overwhelmed.  How many of us have it do you think?  I sometimes wonder if it goes hand in hand with creativity. Hmmm.

7 Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

1.  I wonder if he is okay.  Is he okay.  Are you okay honey?  Are you sure?  Are you sure?  Are you SURE?  At least this no longer consumes me – it did for a long long long long long time.  (I am always fretting over my little guy who has wicked allergies when he is not with me, like right now.)  Are you sure you’re okay?

2. I need a really big vent in my kitchen. NOW. YESTERDAY.  NOW.

3.  What’s that smell.  No joke.  After quitting smoking I smell everything.

4.  If I go to sleep now, I’ll sleep at least five hours before I have to be up.  I can do that.  But what if I can’t sleep.  I can’t sleep.  Why can’t I sleep?

5.  I should really be doing…whatever rather than whatever it is I’m doing at that moment.  I should just do it and then, typically I don’t.

6.  What should I cook for dinner.  What do I want to cook for dinner.  I hate to cook dinner.  Actually, I really don’t hate to cook it, I hate to plan for it.  No, that’s not even totally true – I hate to clean up after it.  Well, that’s not entirely true either – I hate it being my complete and sole responsibility, all the time.  However, if I don’t do it, the alternative is eating some form of crap food that I feel disgusting after eating and guilty for giving my children.

6.  (THIS WOULD BE 6 number 2) ACK!  That stands for all the things that I really do think about all the time that I am unable to mention here.  ACK!

7.  Is that a new wrinkle?  A new grey hair?  When did that get there.  How can I get rid of that wrinkle….why am I so wrinkly?

Advertisements

One, Tahooo, Three

I have lens envy at the moment, although the husband tells me it wouldn’t make a difference.  It’s the light and the appeture and the exposure and the something?  He forgets, still have not read manual or taken photography course or anything.

Tried to skate and got waylaid by slushy ice – hiked instead and ran into a Great Horned Owl in a tree, whom I shall name Tootsie

No skate – gorgeous hike – nice compromise!

Snow covered burms

We threeFollow the leader.

Pretty Girl in the snow.

Neighborly.

And Tootsie checking us all out.

Hearts a Pumpin’

Eight ways to win my heart is the topic today!  This is not an easy one to tackle for me and I only have 12 minutes to do it because of the snow delay!  Gots to get to that Yoga X – yea baby – my heart will be pumpin’ after that.  By the way – all this exercise has really pumped up my internal temperature – totally appropriate for living in the Snow Globe – Mi, had to steal it.

This is all before I finish batch number two of a gabillion cookies for this awesome event on Saturday that is being sponsored by The Forever Jordan Foundation.

So, now that I have 7 minutes left because I’ve gone up and down on this little screen here revising and revamping what I’m saying and really don’t know how to answer this one because I’ve been married almost ten years now and “he had me at hello” – kidding – but hey, what can I say, I am a Jersey Girl at heart!

Eight Ways to Win My Heart – I am assuming this is romantically:

1.  Compliment me often – contradictory, I know because I have a hard time taking a compliment.

2.  Notice when I’ve done something creative, good, different, unusual, perplexing,  beautiful, or unique – and tell me what you really think.

3.  Hug me, touch me, kiss me often even when you don’t think I want you to because I could easily turn into a certain family member and not want anyone to touch me at all.

4.  Do NOT take me for granted.

5.  Give me my space when I need it, but do NOT let me isolate myself, because I can in a heart beat, and do it all too often.

6.  Have ESP – unreasonable, I know, but true.

7.  Speak to me.

8.  Make me laugh!

And I’ve completed day 3 …

9 More Things, but First a Word from Our Sponsor

How many of you are doing this now?  The meme thing?  I got through my first list yesterday. I never do those things “25 Things People Don’t Know About You.” I don’t want you to know for a reason, or you’d know; and if you do know already, then you’re supposed to know. Gabish? But this meme thing intrigued me for some reason, it was so different. It intrigued you all as well because lo and behold I had the second biggest read day since I started. I get it, you all like it when I get dark and deep. I hear ya – I like reading that kind of thing to. I’ll see what I can do about that while trying to keep us all comfortable at the same time.  Believe me, that burgeoning draft pile I have going on would make us all a little uncomfortable if I published it!  Trust me.

Anyway, an interesting thing happened after the husband read my post yesterday.  He thought about four of them were directed at him.  There was only one about him actually, which he nailed.  I had to know which ones he thought were his so I made him go through the list one by one.  He is officially the only person who knows, for certain, who the list is really for.  Not because I had to tell him, but because I wanted to tell him.  He would have been fine if I didn’t tell him, by the way.  PS – Honey, if you think that you have some of those qualities that I was referring to, or perhaps we’ve got some of those issues, you’re probably right…hmm…maybe we should discuss this further … and CHILLAX, you know which one is yours, the rest are not! xxoo

9 things about me

1.   I have a hard time expressing myself while speaking, fighting, discussing anything with anyone sometimes – this is why I like to write so much.  Besides the fact that I have a very animated imagination that begs to be heard sometimes.

2.  I love to fish.  No, I mean I really love to fish.  Maybe not as much as certain members of my “out”lawed family, but I do love it just the same.  Freshwater fishing in particular.  The powers that be are trying to get me to go deep sea fishing again.  Not gonna happen unless I can see the shoreline for the entire trip.

3.  I’m afraid of falling – not heights – just falling from a high place.

4.  My brain does not kick into full gear until late in the afternoon.  What can I say, I have vampiric circadian rythyms.

5.  Ancient Cultures fascinate me; as do aliens; physics; bible prophecies; aliens in bible prophecies; ruins of any kind; mystery spots…I could go on and on.   Google away, there is just a plethora of stuff out there on all of this.

6. I love learning new things and have a knack at teaching myself how to do what piques my interest at the moment.

7.  I get bored really easily.

8.  I have had migraines since I was 12 and have learned to stave them off by doing meditation – I have taught my son how to control them in this fashion as well.  I wish more people would listen to their bodies and not assume a pill will fix everything.

9.  On the flip side of the above, the only thing that keeps my other son alive on a daily basis, besides vigilance and care, are the two pills he takes every night.  That has been the hardest pill for me to swallow thus far.

And there you have it folks.

10 Things…

This must be the week for honesty and courage. Great. It started with Cupcakes and Catfood’s awesome post inspired by a blogger she reads! Wow. How enlightened. I’ll do that. Amazing. How cathartic!  So, I typed mine up below and then saved it to my ever increasing draft post pile, only to read you know who’s post next. Crap. Another one bites the dust of how can I not if she can?

10 things you wish you could say to someone right now.

1.  I get so crazy jealous of you sometimes that it is really unhealthy for me.

2.  I still can’t stand to hear your voice.  I have forgiven you, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.

3.  I’ve missed you so much over the years – you were my constant stability and I didn’t treat you very well sometimes.  I’m so sorry.

4.  I wish I had met you, both of you.  I still feel like there is something missing because of this lack and I’ve always wondered if my life would have been different.

5.  I wish my relationship with you was not based on your relationships with others.  It’s affected who I am today and how I can relate to you in any way shape or form which is very little I’m sorry to say.  I know I will regret this more as the years go on.  I already do.

5.  I need you to say to me all the things you used to say.

6.  Why am I not good enough?

7.  I hope I am giving you everything you need.  I love you in such a way that I will never be able to put it into words – I hope you know that deep down in your bones.

8.  I feel like you value nothing I do and I can’t stand that you’ve given up on yourself already.

9.  I wish I didn’t care what you think, but I really do.

10.  You get me so angry that you put yourself first all the time, but really I know I’m just mad that I don’t know how to put myself first at all.

This sounds like I have the worst life, but I really don’t.  These are just the things I wish I could say right now.  Most of which I never will for all the reasons you can think of and some of the reasons you can’t.

The Submission

The Submission – HA – that wasn’t – to NPR’s three-minute fiction contest. (Don’t get all excited, the deadline was last night at 11:59 p.m.)

What I can I tell you .  I had the best of intentions, but the family here fell down with a bug last week and that meant, lots more work for mama!  No time for blogs, no time for fun.  So, at 8:00 p.m. last night – not the best time of night here mind you: baths are finishing, one kid still doing homework, one just getting into bed – so yeah, completely interrupted left and right I just couldn’t get it together.  I mean, I did, but not within the 600 word parameters and not without the tasteless joke that was also within the parameters at the end.   Requirements: someone has to cry and someone has to tell a joke.  Not as easy as one thinks – this is to be read within three minutes – 600 word count limit.  So, I abandoned all effort at 10:30 and took a bath myself instead!

Here’s the result.  Be kind – but critique away – it’ll do me good!

“Wendy.  My name is Wendy.”

“As in Peter Pan?”

” Yes, but no.  I’m a Gwendolyn.  After my grandmother.”

Smoke curls up around his nicotine stained fingers and he squints taking her all in.

“Oh.”

“Huh.   Sorry to disappoint you.”

” Oh, no.  It’s not that.  It’s just that it would have been more interesting if you were named after the Peter Pan Wendy.”

“Ohhh kay.  It was nice talking to you.”

“Wait.  Don’t. I didn’t mean it that way.  I love that name, actually. When I was a kid I would sit for hours and imagine myself flying through the cold night air just like Peter.  I’d land on Wendy’s windowsill and fall in love with her instantly.  I was convinced I’d marry her someday.  I just thought it would have been ironic if you were named after that Wendy.”

“That’s sweet, I guess, but I need to get back.”

“Just give me a minute.  We got off on the wrong foot.  Don’t you believe in redemption?”

An unfamiliar feeling tugs at her, deep and low inside her stomach and makes her pause.

“You’ve got five minutes.”

He takes a quick drag from his cigarette and exhales with a loud breath.

“Wendy was the one thing my mother gave me before she left.  I mean, she didn’t give me Wendy exactly.  She was always pre-occupied with whatever was going on in her life.  In her head.  In her heart.  But, this one night she came into my room, sat next to me on my bed and she pulls out this decrepit copy of Peter and Wendy.  And I mean, decrepit.  It was ratty and had weird stains all over it.  I remember the stains were the color of weak coffee or diluted blood.  When she opened the book it smelled like mildew and little bits of paper fell like dandruff all over her lap each time she turned a page.”

“How old were you?”

He takes his last drag and inhales deeply.  He thinks back as he watches the smoke drift away into the dark.

“I was ten.”

“That’s a bit odd.  Bedtime stories at ten?”

“I think it was her way of leaving a piece of herself with me.  It took her a week to finish.  Each night when she was done she’d look me in the eye and tell me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.  Anyone.  The farther she got into the story, though, the harder it got for her to read.  She’d get choked up and have to walk out of the room for a few minutes until she could continue.  I knew she was crying, but she always denied it.”

“Listen, we just met.  You don’t need to tell me any of this.”

“I know.  It’s just.  I’ve never met someone named Wendy before.  Isn’t that strange.  I’m thirty-seven years old and you’re the first Wendy I’ve ever met.  God, I haven’t thought about this stuff in years.  She left the same night she finished the book.  She kissed my forehead so tenderly and said she’d always love me.  She walked out of my room and I could hear her sobbing; this deep mournful noise.  When I woke up the next day, she was gone.  She didn’t take anything, only the book.  It sounds so cliché when I say it out loud.”

“It’s not cliché, it’s sad.  Weren’t you scared?

“I guess I must have been terrified.   My dad had been gone for years at that point and my grandmother lived five hundred miles away.”

She reaches out and touches his arm.  Her fingers feel warm and inviting on his skin.  He looks at her and the yellow flecks in her otherwise cornflower blue irises remind him of the scene in the meadow that Tiger Lily walks the pirates through.  He smirks, wanting to lighten it up before he frightens her away.

“What do you get when you cross an alcoholic and a narcissist.”

“What?”

“Tiger Lily Cobain.”

“WHAT?”

“Actually, you only get me.  Britt.  My names’ Britt.”

Threes a Charm

They say everything comes in threes.  I suppose it’s true when you start to look around – the trinity, the three magi, the three goddesses, three wishes, you know what I’m saying.  They say – who are they anyway – death comes in threes as well.  That’s typically true when you start paying attention, although I’ve had some funny looks when I’ve said that out loud, maybe it’s just an Italian thing.

One of my mother’s dearest friends lost her husband this weekend.  He was one of those stable individuals in my life growing up, and even though I haven’t seen him in years, there was always a safety net feeling attached to him for me.  This weekend also marked the one year anniversary of the death of my son’s friend.   My son sat with him every day on the bus, took him under his wing and tried to protect him from getting picked on.  My son was a safety net to him I suppose, but I know that my son is the one who felt all the safety of life an eleven year old should feel gone last year.

Equally important, and what we decided to focus on as our charm, this was also Lilly’s 14th birthday weekend and we had three celebrations just because we could!  Three celebrations equal three cakes! Cake number one was ice cream, home-made – it’s so easy – cookies & cream and chocolate chip cookie dough, ask me how.  Next day, cake number two – chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.  Also homemade (but, technically not really, I used a box).  The last day and the next cate…a giant Skor Bit cookie cake. Don’t know what they are? You don’t know what you’re missing! It tastes like a Heath Bar, but better, much better!  Don’t bother looking for them, you can’t find them anywhere.   I did, however, find numerous places to purchase them online.  Groovy Candies  happens to be the most economical and my order arrived quickly despite being ordered in the middle of the holiday rush.  If you have a hankering, you can order them here.  PS – Of course I tried using the Heath Bits, just wasn’t the same.

Last but not least, I also just completed three days of P90x.  My body is screaming at me right now, literally screaming “What the hell is wrong with you?  Why would you do this to me again?  I’m not up for this challenge.”  I tried and failed due to said pain above last year – fingers crossed!

Oh, and that third death you were looking for – it was more figurative than literal.  I’m killing my old self and welcoming the new one in – painfully, but doing it.